WARNING: THIS BLOG CONTAINS MANY STRANGE AND RIDICULOUS USES OF VERBS, ADJECTIVES, AND METAPHORS. THE PURPOSES TO WHICH THESE FORMS OF SPEECH HAVE BEEN APPLIED ARE BIZARRE, UNWARRANTED, AND IN CERTAIN INSTANCES, VERY, very DIRTY.

SHOULD YOU CONTINUE ON THIS RECKLESS PATH, YOU WILL BE EXPOSED TO ALL SORTS OF DISGUSTING AND UTTERLY LUDICROUS STORIES, AND PERHAPS EVEN A LOW GRADE INFECTION. CHANCES ARE EXCELLENT THAT THE GUILT WILL SHOW ALL OVER YOUR PUDGY LITTLE FACE, YOUR DREAMS WILL SURELY BECOME FESTERING CIRCUSES OF vulgar OBSCENITIES AND BAD JOKES, you will lose sleep, look ugly, and attract only troublemakers.

THE PERVERTED HUMOR WILL HAUNT YOUR SENSITIVE SOUL, AND ONE DAY WHEN YOU finally HAVE YOUR CHANCE TO BE HAPPILY MARRIED, YOU WILL REMEMBER SUPERMILK, AND THINKING YOU CAN TELL YOUR NEW BEST FRIEND EVERYTHING ABOUT YOUR PAST, YOU WILL SHARE THE STORY OF WHEN SUPERMILK TRIED TO IMPRESS HIS GIRLFRIEND WITH A NEW BATHROOM JUGGLING ROUTINE AND MADE A VERY BAD ERROR IN TIMING. YOU WILL LAUGH ALOUD AS YOU ACT OUT THE FLAILING ARM THING, AND YOUR NEW SPOUSE WILL, NO DOUBT, LAUGH right back...BUT YOU WILL DETECT A HOLLOW TONE IN THAT LAUGHTER. RIGHT AWAY, YOU WILL FEAR THAT SOMETHING profound HAS CHANGED BETWEEN the two of YOU. AND YOU WILL BE RIGHT.

BEFORE LONG, THE SPARK OF YOUR MARRIAGE WILL FADE AND YOU WILL KNOW DAMN WELL WHAT CAUSED IT. WHEN your dream lover DECIDES, ABRUPTLY TO FOLLOW a lifelong DREAM OF BECOMING THE WORLD'S FIRST electric bagpipe PLAYER TO pwn AMERICAN IDOL, YOU WILL TELL YOURSELF YOU ARE BETTER OFF, BUT INSIDE YOU WILL KNOW THAT YOU JUST BLEW THE ONLY CHANCE YOU EVER HAD TO BE HAPPY WITH SOMEONE who could serenade you while at the same time simultaneously scaring muggers, cats, mosquitos, and alligators away. YOU WILL PROCEED TO LIVE A TERRIBLY LONG AND DULL LIFE FILLED WITH tv dinners, worn out MEMORIES, countless compromises, a trailer full of BARGAIN FURNITURE, and FOURTEEN CATS. EVENTUALLY YOU WILL overdose on cough medicine just to end your own boredom and get away from all your black velvet elvis paintings which NOW sneer at you from every wall.

SO heed me now and RUN, CHILD! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE, run far, far away. NEVER LOOK BACK, never smoke crack, and most importantly, never ever try to impress someone while in the bathroom, for any reason whatsoever.

YR PAL,
supermilk